word gains 1

I know that when they sit there and they read the words that I have put down that they are not reading the story, they are reading me. It is good to sometimes have the distance of anonymity between you and your readers. If every described suicide, every murderer, and every zany idea expressed reflects on you then how can anyone get used to the shifting geography of what you are? Where does the truth of your survive?

I know that when some people think of me they think of a sad fiction; a tale that spins out from the impetus of a tear-drop lost amongst raindrops falling in a puddle and sending out ripples. Do they imagine me sat there on the edge of the curb watching trash floating away to an unspecified somewhere? Writing haiku post-it notes that I fold into cranes and set upon the flow. I am a watercolour under the spreading stain of spilt ink – a vision used as a blotter.

I try to imbue some of the passages I write with the quality of sunshine but they are few and far between. It is strange – the mood of my fiction is generally no indication of where I am at mentally or spiritually but it is often taken as such. People read the poetry and make that into metaphor and idea and miss the obvious messages. These are the things that happen to a writer I suppose. Strung between the intention and the interpretation; though put like that it doesn’t sound much different from everyone else’s life, though it represents another layer of the onion perhaps. Are you trying to communicate or disappear behind a equivocation? Are you playing word games?

The bad things are taken, turned around in the head, chewed over, purposely made more sharp and then left there for people to cut themselves on. The good things are polished, held up to the light, flashed at people like a momentary brilliance of sunshine bouncing off a window, and then spirited away. We glory in the shadows – they are the playground in which we exercise our minds. It is inevitable that this can colour the world.

Sat hunched over the keyboard, all the pieces of literature I have read, all the films I have watched, all the paintings I have enjoyed, all the music I have listened to, pressing behind the filter of my mind’s eye and trying to escape. It all blends together, ricochets off the events of the day that are prominent in my short term memory and ends up in whatever twisted form I wish to call the story I am working on. Always a different story – always the same story. I drink coffee, surf the internet, read, listen to tunes – all of this going on as I write. It is an act of chemistry – a living process.

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6 Responses

  1. Gosh ditto!!! I hate how who I am becomes more important than what I write… It is in fact my biggest fear about writing, that I may get good enough at it to get the attention I hate along with the money I love 😀 ….

    Your words are beautiful!

  2. […] word gains 1 by Paul Grimsley […]

  3. That is a beautifully written piece of prose, Paul. Comprehensive, calm and very careful. The work of an accomplished and experienced writer.

  4. This is fantastically well done. Such poetry in here. I look forward to exploring more of this blog!

  5. […] word gains 1 from Paul Grimsley […]

  6. How can I not love a blog that has a minimalistic frame, and yet an exploding skull in the header…?

    Well, I got here from MM’s list, and am quite grateful for late night wandering around the blogosphere.

    This essay was beautiful. it’s probably quite cliched to say ‘I can relate, (people seem to think my work is a representation of my mental health for some reason) but I’ll say it anyway.

    The last two paragraphs were nothing short of brilliant.

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