Haruspex: Part 0 – In The Beginning

In the beginning there was light … the blue touch-paper and stand back. Fireworks! God didn’t make the world in 7 days: he found it at the back of a warehouse he’d been renting and had forgotten about. His PA, Gabriel had been going through the books when he found a few shadow companies masking some secret organisation which, for all he could tell, had been set up for the sole purpose of renting a warehouse to store one object: The Universe.

Once he’d kickstarted it all he wanted to have some fun, so he started thinking about what he could put in it. People were what came to mind. Now received wisdom is most definitely wrong on which sex came first — it was woman. God wanted something to look at and as far as he was concerned men weren’t that aesthetically pleasing (he based this on the men in his own reality, which is outside of our universe, obviously).

Men were created because he was going through a voyeuristic phase and wanted to make women do dirty things. He knew Lucifer would stir it up, so he let him loose on the world. Lucifer got big-headed and stood up to God, tried to change a few things. That was the start of the first war in heaven.

‘What’s that you’re writing, Gabe? Can I have a look? Lemme see.’

‘It’s nothing interesting, sir, just some poetry I’ve been writing.’

‘Poetry? Uurgh.’

‘Yes, sir, poetry. You haven’t forgotten have you?’

‘What, Gabriel?’

‘That Married With Children is showing back-to-back repeats?’

‘Oh, really? Now Gabriel, did you get my …’

‘Yes, sir, the toffee flavour popcorn is in the cupboard over the oven, and your chocolate milkshake is in the fridge.’

Gabriel sighed, went to open his book, The History Of The World, which he had been writing since that stock-check had turned it up in that warehouse, and then closed it again. He wished he had access to that book God had, but he had to settle for knowing about things as they happened and not before. What did he care? Besides, the present was a big enough handful as it was.

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