Rhett Herring 1: Have Faith

They didn’t believe me when I told them that I had found Jesus masturbating in the vestry – I said I had kicked the dirty fucker in the nuts but he must have crawled away.They sent me to Heil Mary – the result of a genetic experiment combining strands of DNA from the mother of Christ and Hitler; supposed to be the harpy who would herald the coming of a new age of racial purity. I couldn’t stop staring at her thick black moustache and the swastikas where her nipples used to be as she beat me with a riding crop she told me had been sancitifed by the ejaculate of Judas Iscariot.
Given the integration of so much insanity into the fabrics of our daily life, why were they so vehement that my sighting of our lord and saviour was so preposterous? There were a lot of castratos in the order – the results of a mass pact to perform peotomies on themselves; the resulting stash of amputated penises were stolen and fetched exorbitant prices on the market as holy magical objects. I think it had given them an even stranger attitude to sex than most members of holy chapters.
I really didn’t believe in God but the monastery had seemed as good a place as any to hide out while the pogroms against my kind were carried out. When I say my kind I mean mostly people that had an opinion and were not afraid to voice it. Having a mind of one’s own had been pretty much declared illegal around about ten years ago.
Before I stayed here I was rooming above a knocking shop that specialised in women tugging off donkeys for the pleasure of a small and very select clientele. Everything was about sex just like it always had been and when tastes got driven underground they became stranger and stranger as if in protest at being shut away.
I used to be the PA for a very outspoken politician who advocated sex with everything, taking all kinds of drugs, and personal freedoms the likes of which your average simple-minded hayseed from the backwaters of conservative-land had never even conceived of. They assassinated him the day before voters were due to go to the polls and as a result the opposition party, pushing a line of being the lesser of two evils, won by a landslide victory. I was still sat there in the hospital, almost comatose with shock, his brains all over me, as they made the announcement.
It was a victory for the invisible man embodied in the form of the corporation. The country became one more shell company in a shell game that shuffled things about in plain sight and still managed to hoodwink your average joe.
I knew I had to move on because the sanctuary that this place offered was becoming unstable – it represented to the flipside of the insanity outside in the sense that a coin with same face on both sides with one slightly defaced has a flipside. How much longer could I convince these people that I was on their side?

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